LOD Fantasy Football: 2025 Season Opens with Monday Night Madness, Rehabbed Hashbergers, and Legal Vindications

The 2025 League of Drunks season opened not with bar fights or draft-night chaos (those days are mercifully behind us), but with pure, uncut fantasy football drama. Two of the five matchups were decided on Monday Night Football, reminding us all that heartbreak in this league doesn’t wait until December. Whether it was Justin Jefferson’s late TD for Dylan or the Bears’ garbage-time dagger that doomed Travis, Week 1 delivered the kind of finish that has group chats buzzing well past midnight.

Week 1 Results: Old Scandals, New Nightmares

Kyle (109) def. Ernest (92)
The rivalry lives on. Years after Kyle defiled Ernest’s apartment and blamed an innocent Sentry Bob, he once again had the last laugh. Jalen Hurts (24) and Derrick Henry (27) powered Kyle to the week’s top score, while Ernest wasted Lamar’s 29-point gem by surrounding him with Calvin Ridley (2) and the Steelers Defense (1), proving that his hot water heater wasn’t the only thing that exploded this week.

Dylan (79) def. Tony (76)
Declared officially “not a Klansman” this offseason, Dylan celebrated with a narrow Monday Night miracle. Justin Jefferson, invisible for three quarters, finally broke free in the 4th to win it. Jayden Daniels (19) and Achane (13) chipped in, while JSN (10 on 9 catches) set a record for most cardio in a fantasy win. Tony’s Josh Allen (38) carried him, but the rest of his team resembled his Tinder profile: empty promises and disappointment. His bench nearly matched his starters (65 vs 76), and their help will be greatly needed, as George Kittle was placed on the IR this week. A tough start for a man who swears he hates Dylan as much as Dylan hates people of color.

Neale (74) def. Travis (71) – Game of the Week / Toilet Bowl
Fresh out of rehab after last year’s “hashberger” debacle, Neale looked like a new man — or at least a decently sober one. Ka’imi Fairbairn (14) and the Packers D (11) led the way, as Tyreek Hill (4) apparently decided Miami is allergic to touchdowns. Travis, meanwhile, got Kyler (17) and CMC (13), but the Vikings defense (4) surrendered a last-second TD that flipped the matchup. The three-time champ found himself on the wrong end of the lowest-scoring, closest game of the week. Miracle on Neale Street, Part II? Or just the new normal for a flailing commissioner?

Dave (76) def. B. Maull (69)
The league’s oldest matchup continues to feel more like an assisted-living scrimmage. Dave leaned on Mahomes (25) and Bijan (18) to scrape together a win, even as the Ravens D posted -7. B. Maull, newly acquitted in the Diddy Trial (jury found him “too drunk to conspire”), countered with Burrow (8), Saquon (14), and a big fat zero from Mark Andrews. His organization called it a “moral victory,” which in LOD terms is just a polite way of saying “Dick Cup incoming.”

Bassett (86) def. Alan (69) – Championship Rematch
Last year’s finals rematch featured all the fireworks of a Browns-Jets preseason game. Bassett’s squad wasn’t exactly electric (Bo Nix scored 6), but James Cook (15) and Emeka Egbuka (18) did enough. Alan, meanwhile, fielded what may be the worst draft-day roster since Neale’s rehab team in 2024. AJ Brown (0), Xavier Worthy (0), and Rhamondre Stevenson (2) all underwhelmed. Drafting three defenses while making cotton-picking jokes to B. Maull on draft night has set the tone for a return to his natural habitat: the bottom of the league

Cock Cup Chronicles

Alan and B. Maull tied for the lowest score (69), but because B. Maull’s bench outscored Alan’s, Alan takes home the Cup. Sources confirm he celebrated by asking if anyone wanted to “trade defenses” — all three of them. One anonymous league source said "I'm just happy that for at least one week, he gets to show the world his authentic self"

New League Initiative: TD Parlay

LOD Editor-in-Chief Kyle has proposed the groundbreaking TD Parlay Initiative. Each week, every manager picks one TD scorer; a $1 parlay is placed. If the 10-leg parlay hits, winnings go into the season pot. It likely won’t hit — mostly because Tony just learned what football is two years ago, and Alan is gay. Still, the league has responded enthusiastically, mostly because it costs less than a single shot at Joe’s (or Melrose for Tony).

Draft Dodgers Report

Attendance at draft night was as spotty as Neale’s lineup decisions:

• Dave – Missing in action, last seen playing video games.

• Ernest – Blamed a hot water heater explosion, which proved prophetic of his Week 1 meltdown.

• Dylan – Claimed he couldn’t go to Nobles two days in a row.

• Bassett – Excused for living in Michigan (a punishment in itself).

Standings After Week 1

The Minorities

1. Kyle (1-0, 109 pts)

2. Dylan (1-0, 79 pts)

3. Dave (1-0, 76 pts)

4. Ernest (0-1, 92 pts)

5. B. Maull (0-1, 69 pts)

The Privileged

1. Bassett (1-0, 86 pts)

2. Neale (1-0, 74 pts)

3. Tony (0-1, 76 pts)

4. Travis (0-1, 71 pts)

5. Alan (0-1, 69 pts)

Looking Ahead to Week 2

• Travis vs Kyle – Can the Commish stop the Editor-in-Chief’s power grab?

• Dylan vs B. Maull – One man’s redemption arc, another’s plea deal.

• Tony vs Alan – The Battle of the Gays.

• Ernest vs Dave – The Alzheimer’s Bowl, Part II.

• Neale vs Bassett – Miracle Man vs Michigan thirst trapper.

As Beard once said, “I’ve forgotten more football than you’ll ever know.” Week 1 proves that half this league is still trying to forget their draft picks.

— LOD News Wire